Ah. Great. I'm awake. Great.

I forgot to brush my teeth my teeth and mouth feel like shit my breath must be horrible I hope she can’t smell my breath was I snoring? I hope I wasn’t snoring though I think I mighta been my tooth hurts this one here this one on the lower left back here at the back I should get to the dentist cause this might be a cavity, good thing we have dental insurance oh we’re gonna hafta add the kid to our insurance that’s gonna be expensive there’s another cost right there dental insurance ain’t cheap dunno why it’s not as cheap as medical but it sure isn’t it’s like three times as much I think.

(Roll over to left side, tuck left forearm under pillow, kick right arm out, splay it out behind me on bed.)

Whatever happened to that other book I had it then I lost it or misplaced it or forgot where I left it cause I don’t know where it is, I can’t find it I’m sure it’s an equally dumb book written by a worrywart for worrywarts but I gotta read it, it’s the one geared toward the father-to-be way of looking at things the book that thinks it’s funnier than it actually is, I haven’t seen it since last week sometime I don’t know where it is and I better find it cause I promised her I’d read it it’s important to her it’s just that the book isn’t as funny as it thinks it is which is really annoying, and also I better find it cause it belongs to the library and if I don’t find it I’ll have to pay a big huge fine, a big huge fine which’ll be way more than the book is actually worth quality-wise or content-wise.

(Hit pillow with head three times, hit pillow with head one more time for good measure.)

Is she getting enough vegetables am I feeding her well enough do I send her to work with enough and the proper nutrition, it’s easy to get to the extra three hundred calories that’s a snap nothing to that at all, the tricky part the part I worry bout the part I’m not sure bout is am I feeding her properly, that dumb book why’d I hafta read that dumb book I get a nice lazy Monday evening to myself no interruptions no intrusions no disturbances and what do I do, I read a dumb book that makes me worry bout if she is healthy enough, I hate that book I’m returning it to the library tomorrow.

(Kick left leg out from under covers, drape it over covers, hike leg up, bend it at knee, bring thigh to waist level.)

All that money stuff that went over my head today, I get a minor windfall an extra grand I dunno what to do with so I talk to the Chase Bank guy and he outlines all kindsa options but there’s a reason I never liked being at the bank and that reason is all of it sails right over my head, so I still dunno what to do with it I wanna set something up where I can’t touch it it’s for the kid and no one else I won’t be able to touch it while it earns a bit of money, just a bit cause it’s only a grand but my god if I don’t stash it away I’ll just spend it on trifling shit I don’t wanna trifle it away I wanna stash it.

(Straighten out left leg, adjust right leg for comfort, stretch calves by pointing feet down, wiggle feet clockwise.)

My calves are cramping up, great, great, great, that’ll put my mind at ease, nothing like a good bit of calf-cramping to take all your worries away, something’s gotta take my worries away, though, cause that book freaked me out and the bank guy freaked me out, it all makes me worry, and prolly what I ate for dinner tonight didn’t help anything, it was pizza, a lot of pizza, like half the pizza, and I had a couple beers and whiskeys to wash it all down, top it all off. I gotta figure out how to … I gotta realize that …

Because it’s not just me and her any …

There will be an addition, an addition that’ll need me to …

(Throw covers completely off. Roll onto my back. Stare at ceiling. Whimper. Glance at clock.)

4:15. It is 4:15. I was asleep for … only just over three hours.

(Sit up. Rub my eyes with both hands. Stand at foot of bed. Look at her. Listen to her snoring. Pat her foot, give her calf a light squeeze. Walk to hallway, then to kitchen. Search for coffee. Forget which cabinet holds coffee. Remember which. Grab coffee. Make coffee. Look out kitchen window. Wait for coffee. Wait. Wait. Wait.)

Comments

[sara]

Long Night, Squirrel - but you're gonna be just fine :)

[marytkelly]

Those books suck. Read Dave Barry and his books. You may still worry, but at least he'll make you laugh.

Great post...